Stop Apologizing at Work: What to Say Instead of Sorry

Saying “sorry” compulsively is kind of my thing. 

“Sorry to bother you” or “Sorry, I can get to that first thing tomorrow” are phrases I commonly use in the workplace. Even on the occasion that someone becomes annoyed by my relentless apologies and orders me to “stop saying sorry,” my instinct is still “Sorry!”

I am the kind of person that makes Amy Schumer’s “I’m Sorry” sketch feel less like a parody and more like a reality. Frankly, many of the women I know, inside and outside of the office, are reflected by the ridiculously remorseful characters in the skit.

Why Women Apologize More

I probably do not need to tell you that women apologize more than men. Most of us already know that from, well, living in the world. But why is this so often the case?

In a University of Waterloo study, researchers asked male and female participants to assess the same series of real and fabricated offenses. In the participants' responses, the researchers uncovered that “men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” 

Women, generally more empathetic than men, actually perceive their actions to warrant an apology in the same instances where men would not.

Apologizing Too Much Can Affect How You Are Perceived

While leading with empathy can take you far in the workplace, saying “sorry” too much may do just the opposite. 

Research conducted by University of Georgetown linguistics professor Deborah Tannen suggests that unnecessarily apologizing can cause others to view you as less qualified. Plus, according to The European Journal of Social Psychology, those who do not say sorry maintain a higher sense of self-esteem and overall control, even despite the mistake that was made.

Although all of these researchers agree you should still say sorry when you have actually caused harm, ultimately, you do not need to apologize for most workplace scenarios, like interrupting someone, making a small mistake, being busy, or waiting for your screen to load.

Do Not Be Sorry For Speaking Up

Especially in remote work, it is commonplace for team members to accidentally interrupt one another during meetings. When this inevitably happens, many of us instinctually blurt out “sorry” when in fact there is nothing to be sorry about. Even though your apology may be directed at the person being interrupted, omitting “I’m sorry” could rather communicate a lack of confidence in your voice and your opinions.

To avoid this perception, you can permeate a conversation using language like “I would like to jump in quickly to add…,” or “I have an opinion I would like to share.” Alternatively, you can type your discussion point into the chat box in zoom or teams. This is a great way to make sure everyone in the meeting is aware of your input and allow for the person speaking to address what you have shared.

Try Saying Thank You

In many instances you can replace “sorry” with “thank you.” Perhaps you are running a few minutes late to a meeting. Granted it does not happen often, no apology is needed. Instead, thank your colleagues for their patience.

If you are at all like me, you might find yourself saying “sorry” as an alternative to awkward silence. However, there are other ways to fill gaps in conversations. Try reframing a situation like losing your train of thought or having technical difficulties with phrases like “one moment please,” “I appreciate you working with me,” or “thanks for bearing with me.” 

By switching out these simple phrases, you can come across as more confident and reputable.

Get Ahead of the Problem or Indicate Future Action

Hopefully you work with people who understand that making mistakes is part of professional development and do not expect a heartfelt apology for the occasional missed deadline or a few typos.

Your manager and team should arm you with the tools to be successful. Avoid misunderstandings and mishaps altogether by asking for support in tricky situations. 

In her video series “How Do You Professionally Say?” Social Media Creator Laura Whaley, who calls herself “your virtual work bestie,” offers a multitude of ways to do so:

• "Is training available in order for me to properly complete this?"
• "My calendar is currently fully scheduled with meetings. To ensure appropriate time to get this project done I can sit out of lower priority meetings this week or we can extend the deadline. Let me know which is preferred."
• "I would benefit from more regular check-ins with you in order to gain more consistent guidance."
• "My productivity is being impacted by my current workload. Is there any support the team can offer?"

Still, no matter what you do to get ahead of potential problems, mistakes will happen occasionally. The best thing you can do in this case is take responsibility and communicate how you will fix the issue or improve in the future, without an apology:

• “I can take responsibility for that. I will reach out to the client now to resolve this.”
• “I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Do you have any advice on how I can improve on this moving forward?”
• “I understand. I will triple-check my work next time before circulating something.”

Start a Tally

To kick a bad apology habit, you first have to become aware of it. At the start of your next week, begin a tally of how many times you say “sorry.” You may be surprised to find the number in double digits.

By implementing some simple substitutes you can slowly cut that number down and build a greater sense of authority and confidence.

Have more advice on this topic or want to share your story? Email us at ccwomen@cmpteam.com. We’d love to hear from you!